The Christmas Shit Parade
19/12/07 22:43 Filed in: Music | General
Nonsense
Twenty posted
his top ten Christmas songs
today,
and I have to say I agree with him.
Every year, on December 1, radio station bosses decide that the season is open, and the Christmas songs can be played. And every year, the same old shite gets trotted out. Most of it comes from the 70s and 80s, which is in line with general playlist policy of stations like 98FM and FM104, who seem to think that music stopped on 31 December 1989. Here's my all-time top five crap Christmas songs:
5 - Last Christmas - Wham!
Back in 1984, a mate of mine in college had a dual turntable and used to DJ at house parties. One night in December, we were at a party, and he asked me to take over as he was on a promise. So there I was, trying to be as cool as fuck, when this hot young wan from college (that I had the major hots for) comes up to me and hands me a copy of "Last Christmas" by Wham!. What could I do? Play it and lose my cred, or refuse to play it and blow my chance with (I've forgotten her name) forever? I played it. I blew my cred. I never even spoke to (I've forgotten her name) again. I will hate this song as long as I live.
4 - Merry Xmas Everyone - Slade
My elder brothers were the custodians of music in our house, and one of the earliest bands to creep into my consciousness was Slade, along with The Sweet some time around 1973, when I was seven. This song dates from them, and gets wheeled out faithfully every year. Noddy Holder must turn on his wireless every December 1, and then sit back and wait for the royalty cheques to arrive.
3. I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day - Wizzard
From the same year as Slade's opus, Roy Wood is most likely living a comfortable retirement on the proceeds of this ditty. But what about the tuneless kids that sing the chorus? Do they still get royalties?
2. All I Want For Christmas Is You - Mariah Carey
A cash-in-on-Christmas song, complete with Mariah's vocal gymnastics and the obligatory sleigh bells. Hey, let's face it, anything with Mariah Carey in it is going to be shit, isn't it?
1. Stop the Cavalry - Jonah Lewie
The early-1980s charts are peppered with what I call anti-hits - songs (exclusively one-hit-wonders) that are outside the normal genre of a pop song but for one reason or another capture the imagination and get to No 1. Good examples of this are "Save Your Love" by Renee and Renata (itself a Christmas No 1), "Shaddapa Your Face" by Joe Dolce and "Grandma We Love You" by St Winifred's School Choir.
"Stop the Cavalry" is shit on two counts. First of all it's a perennial Chistmas radio favourite, and secondly it's an obvious anti-hit. And it's got fucking sleigh bells, too.
This was originally going to be a Top Ten, but I'm tired and need to go to bed. I may revisit the topic again before Christmas.
Every year, on December 1, radio station bosses decide that the season is open, and the Christmas songs can be played. And every year, the same old shite gets trotted out. Most of it comes from the 70s and 80s, which is in line with general playlist policy of stations like 98FM and FM104, who seem to think that music stopped on 31 December 1989. Here's my all-time top five crap Christmas songs:
5 - Last Christmas - Wham!
Back in 1984, a mate of mine in college had a dual turntable and used to DJ at house parties. One night in December, we were at a party, and he asked me to take over as he was on a promise. So there I was, trying to be as cool as fuck, when this hot young wan from college (that I had the major hots for) comes up to me and hands me a copy of "Last Christmas" by Wham!. What could I do? Play it and lose my cred, or refuse to play it and blow my chance with (I've forgotten her name) forever? I played it. I blew my cred. I never even spoke to (I've forgotten her name) again. I will hate this song as long as I live.
4 - Merry Xmas Everyone - Slade
My elder brothers were the custodians of music in our house, and one of the earliest bands to creep into my consciousness was Slade, along with The Sweet some time around 1973, when I was seven. This song dates from them, and gets wheeled out faithfully every year. Noddy Holder must turn on his wireless every December 1, and then sit back and wait for the royalty cheques to arrive.
3. I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day - Wizzard
From the same year as Slade's opus, Roy Wood is most likely living a comfortable retirement on the proceeds of this ditty. But what about the tuneless kids that sing the chorus? Do they still get royalties?
2. All I Want For Christmas Is You - Mariah Carey
A cash-in-on-Christmas song, complete with Mariah's vocal gymnastics and the obligatory sleigh bells. Hey, let's face it, anything with Mariah Carey in it is going to be shit, isn't it?
1. Stop the Cavalry - Jonah Lewie
The early-1980s charts are peppered with what I call anti-hits - songs (exclusively one-hit-wonders) that are outside the normal genre of a pop song but for one reason or another capture the imagination and get to No 1. Good examples of this are "Save Your Love" by Renee and Renata (itself a Christmas No 1), "Shaddapa Your Face" by Joe Dolce and "Grandma We Love You" by St Winifred's School Choir.
"Stop the Cavalry" is shit on two counts. First of all it's a perennial Chistmas radio favourite, and secondly it's an obvious anti-hit. And it's got fucking sleigh bells, too.
This was originally going to be a Top Ten, but I'm tired and need to go to bed. I may revisit the topic again before Christmas.