Offaly Bad Driving
27/12/06 00:00 Filed in: General
Nonsense
There has
been so much written in Irish blogs about drivers
that it might seem superfluous to add anything more.
But as a newly-installed resident of Laois, I feel
that I should write something. Not about Laois
drivers, I should stress, but those from Offaly.
Here's a short guide on how to drive in Offaly, particularly of you want to pass yourself off as a native Offalian:
- The recommended distance you should leave between yourself and the car in front should be no more than five metres, particularly on any of the backroads between the N6 and Tullamore.
- Headlights should only be dipped when you come within twenty metres of an oncoming vehicle. When you are behind a vehicle in darkness, lights should only be dipped when you have reached the recommended five metres behind the vehicle in front.
- The footpath in villages and towns is for parking on. Prams and wheelchairs don't have tax discs, do they?
- If you are male and under the age of 25, your vehicle must have at least three of these features:
a huge spoiler on the back
go-faster stripes
a reg-plate dating from 1991-1994
tinted windows
under-chassis lighting
holes bored in the silencer
the red "L" from an L-plate, with all the white border removed
- If you are male and over 25, the recommended vehicle is a Toyota Land Cruiser.
- You may park anywhere at any time, as long as you leave your hazards on.
- Should you find yourself outside of the confines of Co Offaly and on a motorway, you should drive in the outside lane only, unless of course you are a woman, in which case you should drive in the inside lane.
- You do not need to indicate if you are making a left turn, particularly if a vehicle is waiting to emerge from the road into which you are turning.
- On roundabouts, you do not have to indicate a right turn.
- Traffic lights:
Green: Go
Amber: Go faster
Red: Stop, but if they have only just gone red, floor it.
- One-way systems in car-parks don't count.
Here's a short guide on how to drive in Offaly, particularly of you want to pass yourself off as a native Offalian:
- The recommended distance you should leave between yourself and the car in front should be no more than five metres, particularly on any of the backroads between the N6 and Tullamore.
- Headlights should only be dipped when you come within twenty metres of an oncoming vehicle. When you are behind a vehicle in darkness, lights should only be dipped when you have reached the recommended five metres behind the vehicle in front.
- The footpath in villages and towns is for parking on. Prams and wheelchairs don't have tax discs, do they?
- If you are male and under the age of 25, your vehicle must have at least three of these features:
a huge spoiler on the back
go-faster stripes
a reg-plate dating from 1991-1994
tinted windows
under-chassis lighting
holes bored in the silencer
the red "L" from an L-plate, with all the white border removed
- If you are male and over 25, the recommended vehicle is a Toyota Land Cruiser.
- You may park anywhere at any time, as long as you leave your hazards on.
- Should you find yourself outside of the confines of Co Offaly and on a motorway, you should drive in the outside lane only, unless of course you are a woman, in which case you should drive in the inside lane.
- You do not need to indicate if you are making a left turn, particularly if a vehicle is waiting to emerge from the road into which you are turning.
- On roundabouts, you do not have to indicate a right turn.
- Traffic lights:
Green: Go
Amber: Go faster
Red: Stop, but if they have only just gone red, floor it.
- One-way systems in car-parks don't count.